Roomies

Today I was joking with a friend about the high cost of living in NYC. I told her if we both get jobs there we should share an apartment. She told me that if I was still as messy I used to be, she would kill me. I told her the only thing she had to worry about was me bringing home random hookups from the salsa club - but not to worry because I would bring one home for her too.

In my life, I have had 6 roommates. Only one of those roommates was a friend. We're friends to this day because we made the wise decision to stop being roommates. The other five roommates have made me swear off of roommates until the day that I get married.


Let's see...after roommate #1 - the one who's still my friend, there was

#2: Perpetually depressed hamster girl. Why was she perpetually depressed? "I'm Korean and as a people, Koreans are depressed." The only thing that brough joy to her life was her hamster - which happened to be an illegal resident in the dorm. One day, he was there. The next he was gone. Dorm folklore had it that the janitor got rid of it because he really hated rodents in the dorm. When he left, she was even more depressed.But she took it all in stride "Such is the lot of the Korean". I'm not making this ish up.

#3: Die hard conservative spawn of liberals. She described herself as [name omitted], half Japanese Republican who unfortunately had liberal parents. Think of the female incarnation of Alex Keaton. For the most part, she was really nice. The one thing that pushed me over the edge was when she let some random guy friend of hers record an inappropriate outgoing message on our voicemail. It was something to the effect of "_______ and _________ can't come to the phone right now because they are too busy sucking my balls" When I expressed my displeasure, she did not comprehend how inappropriate that was. [Come to think of it, the same ish happened with depressed hamster girl. She had one of her male friends do the same thing. I knew the depressed hamster girl's male friend and when I asked him how he would feel if his mother called and heard that message on his sister's machine, how would she feel. He apologized and called my mother and apologized to her for the message.]

#4: The roommate that never came back to school. She signed up to be my roommate, but then she decided to move back home. She didn't tell me this. She thought she was doing me a favor by ensuring that I got the best room in the house to myself. Instead, I went through hell from some stank ass (literally - this chick did not wash on a regular basis and she had the nerve to have sex in common areas with her boyfriend who also did not wash on a regular basis) who wanted my room. She dragged me to all sorts of offices and complained about how it wasn't fair that I got this room all to myself while she had to share a room with someone....how I engineered this with the roommate that never came back to school....how I was a queen bitch. Finally, I just gave the heiffer my room and took hers. After airing it out and making sure she vaccuumed up all of the nasty toenail clippings she left everywhere.

#5:Passive aggressive punk. Where do I begin? I answered an ad in a newspaper. He seemed cool at first. Then it went wrong...really wrong. As soon as I stopped agreeing with everything he said, he became mean. When I didn't take his unsolicited advice, he threw tantrums. He never physically abused me, although he did do his best to mentally abuse. It ended with me leaving under the cover of darkness and returning when I knew he was at work so that I could get my stuff.

#6: Too evil and crazy to mention. Literally.